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And Now For Something Completely Wacky |
Chapter 1 |
Author's Note: This fic is set after "The Greatest Of Gifts". There are Spoilers for Season 7. My sincere apologies to the Rosie O'Donnell Show, and I hope I don't offend anyone. This is all meant in good humour :-)
[The host of the show, ROSA O'Daniel, has already been introduced and she's just completed her monologue. She now gives the introduction for her special guests.]
ROSA: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. Please welcome to the stage, the hard-working docs of County General's ER.
[Waving and smiling to the audience as they file in, we see MARK Greene, John CARTER, KERRY Weaver, ELIZABETH Corday, Peter BENTON, LUKA Kovac, ABBY Lockheart, Jing-Mei CHEN, DAVE Malucci, Robert ROMANO and CLEO Finch, make their way to their chairs onstage.]
ROSA: Boy, there sure are a lot of you. Do you have to fight to get screen time?
ABBY: No, there's no infighting here. We're one, big, happy family. [She looks around with wide eyes as the others snort at her response.] What? Aren't we?
DAVE: Figures you would say that. You and your nutbar mom have taken up most of the storyline these past few shows while I, on the other hand, am hardly to be seen. It isn't fair!
LUKA: Oh, quit your whining, Malucci. When have you ever seen me in a decent storyline?
ABBY: [speaking indignantly] Excuse me? You're with me now, aren't you? What's not decent about that? [turning on DAVE] And you, I resent that remark about my mother. Apologize right now!
DAVE: I've heard you call her worse things than that.
ABBY: That's different. She's *my* mother.
[Offstage, we hear a screeching voice calling out, "Abby! Abby! Where's my daughter the doctor? I want to see her right now. Abby!" Everyone onstage begins groaning and rolling their eyes.]
ABBY: [holding head in her hands] Oh no...not again.
[MAGGIE bursts onto the stage with frantic energy, honing in on her daughter.]
MAGGIE: Abby! Abby! I've come back to you, darling!
ABBY: [hissing] You're too early! You're not supposed to return until Sweeps.
MAGGIE: [looking confused] Isn't that now?
ABBY: No, it isn't. Your timing is way off, as usual.
MAGGIE: [in a haughty tone] I'll have you know, my timing is impeccable. You just need to lighten up, honey. Sorry, everyone. I just got a little too excited.
[On her way out, MAGGIE stops by ROSA's desk]
MAGGIE: You know, that shade of red looks just divine on you. I've got some fabric in just that colour in my purse. Shall I make you a matching jacket?
ROSA: [looking frightened] Security! Would someone get this woman out of here?
MAGGIE: All right, I can take a hint! I know when I'm not wanted! [Bursting into tears, she runs offstage. Everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief.]
ROSA: Well, that was fun. NOT! Let's get back to business. It sounds like some of you aren't happy with your storylines this year. Does anyone want to share their feelings?
KERRY: [raising her hand] I'd like to share. I don't know what would possess anyone to think that I'm gay. I just want to set the record straight.
DAVE: But you haven't had a relationship in, like, four years or something, right? That must mean you're gay.
CHEN: You're such a Neanderthal, Malucci. That doesn't mean that a woman is gay.
DAVE: Why not? I dare you to prove it right now, Chief. Convince me that you're not a lesbian.
[KERRY gets up slowly and stares at the grinning DAVE, but she passes him by. Instead, she focuses on CARTER, who starts to redden. Facing him, she straddles him squarely on his lap. Grabbing his head with two hands, she begins to kiss him hotly. The audience goes wild, cheering and clapping, while DAVE looks on, silently fuming. After a long minute, KERRY returns to her chair, smiling serenely.]
ROSA: Well, Dr. Carter? What's the verdict?
CARTER: [still red in the face, but with a silly grin] If she's gay, I'll eat my suspenders.
ROMANO: You know, I've always had the suspicion that Lizzie is a lesbian. Would you care to prove to me that you're not?
[Since ELIZABETH has the pleasure of sitting beside ROMANO, she doesn't hesitate to whack him across the back of his head, nearly sending him flying out of the chair.]
ELIZABETH: [with a satisfied smile] I've wanted to do that for a long time. Little toad of a man.
ROMANO: [to ROSA] Is this show going on air? I want that edited out!
ROSA: Not a chance, baldy. So, anyone else have a complaint?
MARK: I do. Why do I seem to get all the lousy luck on the show? My wife leaves me for another man. I get beat up in the men's room. My parents both die. And now I have this freakin' brain tumor. When will the torture end?
CARTER: Hey, you want torture? Look at my life! I'm a pretty good-looking guy, right? You'd figure I could get and actually keep a girlfriend. Instead, they always leave me. I just can't figure it out. Then I almost get stabbed to death and now I've got this ridiculous drug problem. I deserve a little happiness, Goddamnit!
CLEO: [in a sing-song, babyish voice] Awww, you poor baby. Want me to make it all better?
BENTON: [looking surprised] How come you never talk to me like that?
CLEO: I didn't know it was a turn-on for you, my little Petey-whetey cutie-patoey.
[BENTON and CLEO turn towards each other and start making out. Once again, the audience starts hooting.]
ROSA: Hey, hey, if you two are going to do that, would you take it backstage? [BENTON and CLEO carry on as if they didn't hear her. With a flick of her head, ROSA signals to an offstage staff member. Several Security men come out and physically remove the couple from the stage, chairs and all.] Now, where were we...
[Offstage, we hear an angry feminine voice. "I know they're all in there. Get out of my way, you four-eyed moron." RANDI stalks onto the stage, glaring at everyone.]
RANDI: Am I not an important member of the ER? Why wasn't I invited?
ROSA: Sorry, only the people in the opening credits were issued an invitation.
RANDI: Are you trying to tell me I'm not important enough?
ROSA: [nervously] Well, I, um...SECURITY!
RANDI: You're going to need more than Security when I'm through with you. [Just as she lunges for ROSA, three burly Security men grab her arms and haul her offstage.]
ROSA: [sounding relieved] My goodness, it's beginning to get just as dangerous in here as it is in the ER. How do you cope with the stress? Dr. Kovac? We haven't heard much from you.
LUKA: [looking like a deer caught in the headlights] I...I find that combing my hair helps. And perfecting my accent. It takes a lot of practice.
ROSA: Right. And how about you, Dr. Carter?
[CARTER is turned halfway around in his seat, busy with something unseen to the audience.]
ABBY: He's injecting himself with something! Quick, we've got to have an AA meeting right now!
ROSA: Is that true, Dr. Carter? Dr. Carter?
CARTER: [sounding distracted] Hmmm?
[ABBY gets out of her seat, marching over to him. She grabs something out of his hand and triumphantly holds it up in the air.]
ABBY: Aha!! [With a confused expression, she takes a closer look at what she's holding.]
CHEN: [straining to see from her chair] What is it, Abby?
ABBY: [mutters something inaudible]
CHEN: What?
ABBY: [practically shouting] It's a crossword book!
CHEN: [smirking] Oh. Better report that to Weaver right away.
ABBY: Shut up, Chen.
[CHEN suddenly realizes that DAVE is massaging her stomach.]
CHEN: Excuse me, but what the hell do you think you're doing?
DAVE: Didn't you want me to be your lamaze coach? I'm helping you out here.
CHEN: I've already had my baby, you idiot. Get your hands off me!
DAVE: Geez, touchy, touchy!
ROSA: I thought you were all one big happy family. Don't any of you get along?
ELIZABETH: Mark and I get along just fine, thank you.
ROMANO: That's because you're two of the most boring people I've ever met.
MARK: [getting to his feet] I resent that remark. Want to take this outside, Rocketman? I could beat you in a round of hoops with one arm tied behind my back.
ROMANO: Oooh, I'm trembling in my booties. Give me a break, Greene.
ROSA: [starting to sound nervous again] Now, now, gentlemen...
ELIZABETH: He's not worth the trouble, Mark. Please sit down.
ROMANO: [sneering] We know who wears the pants in this relationship. Too bad you jumped in the wrong pair, Lizzie.
[Boos and hisses emanate from the audience and ELIZABETH slowly rises from her seat, glaring at ROMANO. He actually shows the beginnings of real fear.]
ROMANO: Now, Lizzie, calm yourself.
ELIZABETH: Don't...call...me...LIZZIE!! [Raising her hand, she gets ready to deliver the fatal blow.]
ROMANO: [cowering in his seat] If you do this, I'll send a tape of this show to your mother! It wouldn't be your finest moment, Liz...Elizabeth!
[Suddenly remembering that this is being filmed, ELIZABETH looks directly into a camera lens. With a frozen smile, she sits back down.]
KERRY: Darn, I would've enjoyed seeing that.
CHEN: I said, keep your hands off me, Malucci! Do you not understand English?
DAVE: What? I thought I was helping your post-partum depression.
CHEN: What are you talking about? I'm not depressed.
DAVE: Maybe you will be next week, though. It would be a good dramatic storyline for you.
[CHEN mulls this over, but decides DAVE is full of crap.]
CHEN: Nice try. Touch me again and I may be forced to cut off an appendage. [looking over at CARTER] Would you put down that damned crossword and help me out here?
CARTER: But I only have three more words left.
[DAVE suddenly flinches as he realizes LUKA is looming over him.]
LUKA: Leave the lady alone.
DAVE: [raising both hands in mock surrender] I ain't touching her. I swear. [As LUKA turns around, DAVE flips him the bird. The audience gasps and LUKA whips back around.]
LUKA: What did you just do?
DAVE: Nothing. Nothing!
MARK: He gave you the finger, Luka.
DAVE: [sarcastically] Thanks, Dr. Greene. I appreciate that. [showing signs of nervousness as LUKA approaches] It's a friendly gesture, Dr. Kovac. Honest. It's like, uh...it means you're a number one guy!
LUKA: That would be your other finger, Malucci. The index finger. How stupid do you think I am?
DAVE: [getting desperate] Not stupid. Not supid at all. Hey, what are you doing?
[LUKA lifts up DAVE's chair, with DAVE still seated on it. With a slight grunt, he heaves it sideways and DAVE crashes into the wall. Amidst much shouting of encouragement from the audience, DAVE gets to his feet, a little unsteadily. LUKA grins and bows to the audience.]
DAVE: [muttering under his breath] Okay, now I'm mad.
[All hell breaks loose as DAVE lunges at LUKA with fists flying. MARK jumps into the fray and ROMANO does too, just for the fun of it. Once CARTER finishes his crossword, he looks like he might join in, but steps back instead. All the women have retreated to the sidelines, watching with amusement. KERRY sidles up to CARTER.]
KERRY: So what did you think? About the kiss, I mean.
CARTER: [looking embarrassed] It was nice. Very nice.
KERRY: Nice isn't a very exciting word.
CARTER: Okay, it was pretty hot. I really liked it, Kerry.
KERRY: Me too. Want to have dinner with me tonight?
CARTER: [almost shyly] Sure.
KERRY: [whispering in his ear] Trust me. You don't have to worry about eating your suspenders. Besides, I've always thought they look rather sexy on you.
[Meanwhile, the Security team have been trying to control the group without much success.]
ROSA: [screaming above the din] What do you think this is, the Jerry Springer show? I thought doctors had more class than this! [Realizing the case is hopeless, she turns with a dazzling smile to the camera.] Well, that's the end of our show. Please tune in tomorrow, when we'll have the cast of The West Wing on this very stage. Hopefully they'll be more well behaved than this group of...of...
CHEN: Neanderthals.
ROSA: Thank you, Dr. Chen. Goodbye, everyone. CUT!!
THE END
Completed February 2001
Feedback always appreciated!
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