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The Choices We Make |
Episode 2 |
Flashback sequences are surrounded by parentheses ((( )))
(((1981...
It had taken Lara a long time to decide where she wanted to set up the meeting. Then, taking another look at the once precious item, the answer had become obvious.
Leaning back in the seat, she closed her eyes, tilting her face towards the sun. Basking in the warmth, she heard the familiar voice.
"Hi."
Not yet opening her eyes, she held her position. "You're late," she stated flatly.
"Sorry, I had trouble finding parking and...yeah, I'm late. I suppose I was trying to delay the inevitable."
Slowly becoming upright again, she finally opened her eyes. Bobby was seated on the swing next to hers, gently swaying back and forth. He waited for what seemed like agonizing minutes for her to begin speaking, but she remained silent. He finally couldn't stand it any longer. "Have you made a decision?" he asked nervously.
"Yes. It's over."
Though he'd expected those very words, the finality of hearing them voiced sent a bolt of fear through him. "I..." Licking his dry lips, he hesitated and started again. "Lara, please give me another chance."
"Do you know what it did to me, seeing you with that woman? Part of me died inside. You did that to me. And don't try to tell me that you'll change. I know you. The sad part is, I know you and I still love you. Can't quite figure that one out." She spoke matter-of-factly and could even appreciate the irony. Though her heart was breaking, she knew what had to be done.
Letting go of the chains, she stood up from the swing. From her skirt pocket, she pulled out the ring and held it out to him. "Here, I want you to have this." She waited until he took the ring. "You don't even remember, do you."
He examined the cheap, plastic thing, searching his memory. "Did I give this to you?"
"Yeah," she replied, her tone wistful. "That's okay, I shouldn't expect that you would remember. It was a long time ago. I'm the one that pinned all my hopes on it. Just the childish dreams of a girl that didn't know any better."
"Lara..."
"Goodbye, Bobby."
Turning away, she walked as quickly as she could. By the time she reached the edge of the park, she was sobbing openly, unable to catch her breath. She hated him and loved him at the same time. How ironic.)))
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
By her best estimation, there were forty-two peas on her tray. She wondered how many apples it had taken to fill the plastic container of juice.
At the knock on her door, she looked up.
"Am I interrupting?" Peter Benton asked.
Elizabeth managed a small smile. "Peter, come in."
Before sitting down, he nodded towards her untouched tray. "I guess you're not hungry?" She only shook her head in answer. "I could sneak you in a pizza. Or how about a hamburger from Doc's?"
That elicited a chuckle from her. "You're terrible. Is that the kind of food you offer to your patients?"
"You're a special case." After a period of silence, he spoke again. "I heard about David."
She gripped the edge of the blanket. Hard. "Yes, I imagine everyone has heard by now."
"Pretty much," he agreed. "I went down to the NICU a little while ago. He looks like a fighter." Seeing the helpless infant hooked up with so many wires and tubes had brought back unpleasant memories for him.
"I saw him too," she said softly. "I was able to touch him and stroke his little hand. I really wanted to hold him in my arms but I didn't want to hurt him." She swallowed, trying to get past the lump that seemed permanently lodged in her throat.
"Why don't you try to get some sleep," he suggested.
"No, I couldn't possibly. I want to see him again soon."
"You need your rest."
"Don't you understand? He's dying! My son is dying and there's not a damned thing I can do about it. He's only got hours to live. They'll never find a donor heart in time."
Though he knew the words were useless, he said them anyway. "You don't know that."
"I can't sleep when I know he might die at any moment. I should be with him right now but Mark insisted that I return to bed."
"I know how you..."
Elizabeth glared at him, hissing, "Don't you dare tell me that you know how I feel. You can't possibly...know..." Bringing one hand to her mouth, she let out a strangled breath. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I forgot. Reese. Of course, you know exactly how I feel."
Bowing his head briefly, he looked up again and regarded her with tired eyes. "Yeah. I know."
"Oh, Peter," she whispered, her eyes huge and frightened. "I don't think he's going to make it."
Unable to contain her tears any longer, she began to tremble and he gathered her close. Shuddering in his arms, she wept.
***************
36 HOURS LATER...
Kerry had already made the suggestion to him earlier and he'd refused. She decided to give it one last try.
"Mark, you don't have to be here. Why not take the day off?"
Barely glancing at her, he continued to study the board. "I told you, it's not necessary." His tone was a little harsh and he realized he should try to explain himself. "Look, I appreciate the concern. But sitting around and just waiting will make me crazy. I need to keep busy."
"Of course. I understand."
Making his decision, he plucked a chart from the rack. "I'll take the dizzy guy in Curtain two."
She watched him go, shaking her head. Waiting was the toughest part. And truthfully, if she were in his position, she imagined she'd be doing exactly the same thing. Sometimes work was the only thing that kept you sane.
A soft, accented voice reached her ears. "How is he doing?"
"I'd say fairly well, considering the circumstances," she replied, looking up at Luka Kovac.
"Is there any word about a donor yet?"
"No, nothing." As Kerry turned away, she almost bumped into someone. "Excuse me," she said automatically.
"No, it's my fault." Lara smiled at her politely. "I'm looking for Dr. Greene."
"You just missed him. He headed for Curtain two. Down that hall and to the left," Kerry directed.
"Thank you."
"Who was that?" Luka asked, curious about the attractive, dark-haired woman.
"Dr. Kirshner. Robert brought her in as a special consultant for the baby."
"Maybe she has good news," Luka commented hopefully. Though no one would speak of it out loud, they were all painfully aware of the deadline looming over them. At last word, the baby was beginning to grow weaker.
"Maybe," Kerry mused. "I hope you're right."
***************
All the essential players were present in the room and tension was running high. Luka had been right; a donor heart had been found. On the word go, it could be transported to County General in just under an hour. But there was a problem. While David's blood type was A positive, the donor was B positive. And thus the arguments began.
"I don't care what study you're quoting," Michael Migenes said firmly. "If the blood types don't match, it just can't be done. The baby won't last five minutes without rejecting the heart."
"But you just admitted yourself that infants don't have a mature immune system yet," Jack Kaysen pointed out.
"That's true but we're talking about a basic principle of transplantation," Michael argued, not about to back down. "You can't put A and B together. It would be disaster!"
"I've read the study that Dr. Kirshner is referring to," Robert said, putting in his two cents. "It's pretty impressive stuff."
"It's only one study," Michael cut in.
Lara spoke up for the first time in a while. "You're right, it is only one study. And I realize it's going to take time before it's widely accepted. But may I remind everyone, we're running short on time. We were lucky to get this match. Save blood type, everything else is perfect."
Elizabeth had remained quiet throughout this discussion but she raised her thoughts now. "Theoretically, what you're saying makes perfect sense. A newborn doesn't produce antibodies so it would seem there should be no fear of rejection."
"If you want a hard fact, here's one for you," Lara stated, her tone grim. "Fifty-eight percent of babies needing transplants die before a donor match can be found. And I'm afraid in David's case, the statistic becomes worse, just because his condition is so fragile."
"I think we've heard all the sides to the argument," Mark said, looking to Elizabeth to see if she agreed. "Can you give us a few minutes alone?"
Michael left the room without a backward glance, muttering under his breath. Jack shook his head as he accompanied Lara and Robert into the hallway.
"Don't mind him," he commented with a wry smile. "I think he's more upset that you're invading his territory. I'm quite interested in this study. Can I speak to you about it over coffee sometime?"
"Absolutely." Lara shook his hand once more. "I would love that."
After Jack left them alone, Robert crossed his arms in front of his chest. "If I didn't know any better, that sounded like a date." Though he spoke in a light-hearted tone, he sounded a little miffed.
"A date? No. I never talk about work on a date. Heart surgery and dinner don't tend to mix too well."
He noticed that they were on perfect eye-level again. No heels today. And he'd forgotten how lovely her brown eyes were. Not liking where his thoughts were going, he forced himself to focus. "I really did read that article. Why didn't you mention that your name was in the credits?"
She flushed slightly, unsure if the cause was modesty or the relentless way his gaze seemed to take in every inch of her. "I didn't want everyone to think I was pushing for this transplant to tout my own horn. Besides, I played an extremely small part in the study. I just gave bits and pieces of my knowledge."
"Do you really think it's the only chance the kid's got?"
"Yes, I do."
The door behind her opened and Lara held her breath, wondering what the outcome would be. Mark paused in the doorway and looked directly at her. "Let's do it."
***************
Although Lara would have preferred that David be transferred to the Children's Hospital for the transplant, she'd decided that he was too weak to be moved. With Robert's permission, she was able to perform the operation at County.
Elizabeth had only slept fitfully the night before but she refused to rest. She even watched some of the surgery from the observation room, both fascinated and repulsed at the same time.
Now she sat back in her room, alone. Mark had returned to the ER. She couldn't understand how he could possibly work while their son's life hung in the balance.
Mark was in the ER but he wasn't really working. He had tried to catch up on some paperwork but found he was reading the same passage over and over again. Not trusting himself to handle any traumas, he'd tried to examine patients with minor complaints. But that hadn't worked out either. He'd found he was only listening with half an ear, making them repeat something that they'd already relayed to him twice before.
He sat in the lounge now, pretending to read a newspaper. He was alone until Luka came in for a cup of coffee.
"Mind if I join you?" Luka asked, after pouring himself a cup.
Mark said nothing, simply shrugging.
After a few sips of the strong brew, Luka spoke again. "What are you doing here, Mark?"
He bristled in automatic defensiveness. "What do you mean?"
"Why aren't you upstairs with Elizabeth?"
"I was upstairs. We just sat in her room, staring at the wall. Then she wanted to see some of the surgery but that's not something I particularly wanted to see. So I came down here."
"Any idea how the surgery is going?" Though Mark's voice had risen slightly, his indignation apparent, Luka continued to speak in a calm and soothing manner.
"I...I haven't checked in a while. I figure it doesn't matter whether I'm up there or down here. The outcome isn't going to change so what difference does it make."
"Maybe it makes a difference to Elizabeth," Luka suggested gently. His comment was met with silence. "I'm sorry. I am pushing my nose up your business."
Mark snorted. Apparently not all of his humour had abandoned him. "That's 'in' your business, Luka."
"Oh. Thank you."
"You're right. I know you're right." He heaved a tired sigh. "I guess I just don't know what to say to her."
"You don't need to say anything. Just be with her."
***************
5 HOURS LATER...
They were nearing the finish line now. The procedure had gone very smoothly with no complications. They were now at that important step of allowing normal blood flow to enter the new heart. With bated breath, they waited. Lara didn't want to use the defibrillator unless she absolutely had to.
An almost collective sigh was emitted by the team when the tiny heart began to beat on its own.
Several minutes later, the incision was sutured and the surgery was completed. Though Lara firmly believed they'd made the right decision, all she could do now was wait and pray that the baby would not reject the heart. Every uneventful minute that ticked by was a good sign.
After a half hour of simply observing David's vital signs and noting no signs of rejection, she was confident enough to speak with his parents. Exiting into the hallway, she breathed deeply, taking a moment to stretch her stiffened muscles.
Passing by the waiting room, she didn't even notice they were sitting there until Mark jumped up.
"I'm sorry," Lara apologized, coming to meet them. "I was headed to your room."
"We were going a little mad in there, so we came down here," Elizabeth explained, her words rushed in her anxiousness. "Is he all right?"
"Yes, he's doing very well."
"Oh, thank God," Elizabeth uttered, taking Mark's hand.
"So there were no problems with rejection?" he asked, after the initial wave of relief had passed.
"No. I will be monitoring him regularly for the next little while. I was concerned about his weakened state when we began the surgery but he seems to be doing remarkably well. I'm very optimistic about his recovery."
Feeling like she'd been squeezed through an emotional wringer these past two days, Elizabeth had been sure that all her tears had been spent. But apparently she'd been wrong, as fresh moisture invaded her eyes. Getting to her feet a little unsteadily, she gave Lara a hug. "Thank you for all you've done."
Lara patted the grateful mother on the back. "You're welcome."
"Have you seen Robert?" Mark asked. "We should thank him too for bringing you to us." It truly boggled the mind that he felt indebted to Romano, but the man had been surprisingly supportive throughout this ordeal.
Lara had been wondering the same thing. "No, I'm not sure where he is."
During much of the operation, she'd noticed him standing in the observation area. But he seemed to have disappeared now.
"When can we see David?" Elizabeth asked. She already felt that she'd been apart from him far too long.
"Once he's settled in the NICU, I'll have someone come and get you," Lara promised. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to get cleaned up a bit."
***************
She was exhausted but she couldn't leave without seeing him one last time. David was out of danger now and recovering nicely. He would still have to be watched carefully but the staff here was more than capable of doing that.
Finding the door to his outer office partially open, she hesitated and then walked into the darkened room. "Hello?" she called out.
Silence. Regretful that she hadn't had a chance to say goodbye, she turned to leave.
"In here," spoke the familiar voice.
So he was here after all. Making her way around the empty desk of his assistant, she stood in the doorway that led into his private office. "Why are you sitting in the dark?" she inquired.
"Because I like it."
"Mind if I turn on the light?"
"When has my minding anything ever stopped you from doing what you want?"
Not even attempting to answer that rhetorical question, she flicked the wall switch. The room brightened with artificial light that was a little harsh on the eyes and they both blinked rapidly.
Trying not to let his icy stare unnerve her, she ventured a little further into the room. "David is doing very well," she started to say.
"Yes, I know. Congratulations. Do you know what I've been doing today? Playing detective."
"What do you mean?" she asked warily.
"For starters, I found it very disturbing that you would step down from your position at the hospital to teach. I've been...well, I've been following your career and I know what it took for you to become Chief of Pediatrics. It just didn't make sense to me that you'd give it all up for teaching."
A tiny part of her was pleased to hear him say that he'd been keeping tabs on her. It made her feel less foolish for maintaining a close eye on his professional career for all these years. Of course, some of the things she'd heard about Robert Romano were less than flattering.
But she didn't like where this conversation was heading and could feel herself starting to grow agitated. "I happen to enjoy teaching very much."
"Yeah, sure. 'Enjoy teaching'. You don't love it, like you love surgery."
"How would you know that?" she shot back. "We don't know each other anymore, Bobby. It's been too long."
Hearing his former nickname coming from her mouth affected him in a strange way. He wasn't sure if he liked it or not. "I watched you in that operating room today and it's obvious. You can't deny it, Lara. You love surgery. And you miss it."
Opening her mouth to form another protest, she found she couldn't do it. She couldn't lie to him.
"So then I started making a few phone calls. Why didn't you tell me?" In a voice tinged with a mixture of accusation and despair, his eyes bore into hers.
She stood very still. Now that she knew he was aware of the truth, she could feel her defensiveness dissolving away. She didn't speak until she'd regained her core of peacefulness again. "It's not something I tell to strangers. And unfortunately, that's what we are. Strangers."
Getting to his feet abruptly, he jabbed a finger at her. "That was *your* decision. You decided that you could never forgive me and you refused to see me, no matter how much I begged." He didn't even try to hide the bitterness in his tone. All the feelings of hurt that he'd thought had been buried long ago had just been simmering beneath the surface. What a fool he'd been. He remembered all the rejected phone calls and doors slammed in his face with unwanted clarity. It was probably the last time in his life he'd desired something and been refused. No one dared to defy his wishes now; not if they feared dire consequences.
"If you want to know the truth," Lara said softly, her voice a sharp contrast to his outburst. "I forgave you a long time ago. It wasn't you that I couldn't forgive. It was myself. For loving you. Even after your little indiscretion, I still loved you. If we had stayed together, it would have been disaster. We would have ended up hating each other."
"You never gave us the chance."
"No, I didn't."
"And now you're dying," he stated stiffly.
"Yes."
He had a sudden thought that caused his breath to catch. "You're not seeking treatment, are you?"
Perhaps she'd been wrong. He seemed to know her well after all. "No, I'm not."
"With your cancer, chemotherapy isn't the only..."
"Bobby, I'm not doing it." She cut him off with a tone that left no room for argument. He knew better than to try, anyway. She didn't want to subject her body to radiation and chemicals. When it was her time, she would go without a fight. It was different with children. Maybe that's why she'd chosen a pediatric specialty. They deserved the chance to live a full life. For a child's sake, she'd fight to her very last breath.
Watching her closely, he recognized the stubborn set of her jaw. She'd made her decision and there was no turning back. No matter how much he begged. "How long do you have?" he asked finally.
"A year. Maybe two."
"I won't see you again, will I." It was a statement; not a question.
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah. So am I." Turning his back to her, he stalked over to the window, looking through the glass but not seeing anything. After a long moment, he heard the light fall of her footsteps, the sound growing fainter as she walked out of his life.
Several deep breaths later, he cursed. He couldn't do it. He couldn't leave it like this. "Wait," he uttered, spinning around. Catching her by the door, he brought her hand to his mouth, kissing the palm.
The warmth of his lips still made her stomach flutter. "Bobby..."
"Take care of yourself," he whispered.
"I will." Withdrawing her hand, she stepped into the hallway and was gone.
Alone once more, he leaned against the wall. From his pocket, he withdrew the ring that he'd kept for all these years. He had never quite understood the full significance of it and he supposed he never would. But somehow, it had been important to Lara and thus he'd kept it tucked away; his only link to the past. But what use was the ring to him now? In a fit of angry petulance, he hurled it across the room.
Instant regret overcame him. "Oh, Christ," he muttered.
It took several minutes of combing the floor, but he finally found it wedged between some boxes and his assistant's desk. Walking back to his inner office, he returned the ring to a small box kept on his bookshelf. Refusing to feel sorry for himself, he shut the lid with a satisfying snap. He didn't know if he'd ever look at it again, but it was enough to know it was there.
Gathering his coat in one hand and his briefcase in the other, he switched off the light and walked out, shrouding the room in darkness once more.
Completed March 2001
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