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A Clean Slate |
Chapter 2 |
Maria was teary-eyed and overjoyed to see her daughter. Becky had awakened in the last few minutes, gurgling and seeming very content in her mother's arms.
"Isn't she beautiful?" Maria said, looking down at the baby with motherly pride.
Susan smiled. "She sure is." The baby indeed looked striking with her milky white skin, bright bluish-green eyes and a mass of dark hair that was almost black, partially hidden beneath the knitted cap.
"She's the one thing I did right in my life," Maria murmured. Clearing her throat, she looked back up. "I...I thought I heard Danny's voice before. Was I just dreaming?"
Susan swallowed hard and decided to be honest. "No, you weren't dreaming. He was here but he didn't stay long. He refused to see you and was quite upset with me."
Closing her eyes, Maria tilted her head back into the pillow. "I was afraid of that. He still hates me. And I don't blame him." Her eyes fluttered open and gazed into space. "I was kind of messed up when I was seeing him. Told a lot of lies. Fooled around with other guys. But I know Becky is his."
Susan blinked at this latest news. "Danny is the father? Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. The timing is right. And more than that, I know it in my heart." She turned pleading eyes upwards. "Could you try again? Call him and let him know about Becky?"
"Oh, Maria, I don't know..."
Kerry would have a fit, but she didn't care about that. Judging from Danny's earlier reaction, she simply doubted that he would come.
"Please, Dr. Lewis. I want Becky to have a chance with him."
"He's married. Did you know that?"
Maria nodded, her expression wistful. "I know. That's why I didn't tell him when I found out I was pregnant. Didn't want to screw up his life like I did before. But now things are different. Who's gonna look after Becky when I'm gone? It has to be him."
At the sound of a knock, both women looked towards the door as it creaked open.
"Danny!" Maria exclaimed, her mouth remaining parted in shock.
Susan doubted if she'd ever seen a man look more uncomfortable or awkward. Shuffling towards the bed, his gaze flickered uneasily between the mother and child. "Hi, Maria. How are you, uh, feeling?"
"I've had better days," she replied softly.
"Yeah, sorry. Stupid question." He nodded towards the baby. "This is your daughter?"
"Yes. Becky."
"I didn't know you were a mother."
"Lots...lots you don't...know." Talking was becoming a struggle again, as she gasped between words.
Concerned, Susan moved closer to her patient and reached for the oxygen mask. Maria waved it away. "No, I want to...talk." She never took her eyes off Danny, as if afraid that he would disappear if she looked away. "Why...did you..."
"Come back?" he finished. At her nod of assent, he continued on. "You have Jo to thank for that. That's my wife, Joanne. She told me that it doesn't matter what happened in the past. We have to live in the here and now. And right now, you're...very sick. So, I guess the question is, why did you want to see me?"
Susan found herself holding her breath. This was it. The perfect opportunity. But to her dismay, Maria was visibly straining to take every breath. Her fragile state was deteriorating. "Resps are getting too low," she muttered to herself.
"What does that mean?" Danny asked, his tone wary.
Susan didn't answer. She noticed that Maria's arm was no longer supporting the baby, but lay limply at her side. Afraid that Becky would fall, she scooped up the girl.
"Here, can you take her?" Without waiting for a reply, she thrust the baby into his arms. Becky had grown quiet and seemed sleepy, so she made no fuss when transferred to a strange man.
Maria's lips were forming words of soundless air. Although she bent her head down as close as possible, Susan still had to strain her ears.
"Tell him," Maria whispered faintly.
Susan nodded, feeling an unexpected lump clog her throat. "I will."
Maria's lips curved into the subtlest hint of a smile. "This is nice. Nothing hurts anymore." Slowly, her eyes closed, shutting out the world.
The ever-familiar and frantic beeping of the monitors began, making Danny jump. "What's wrong?" he asked anxiously.
Susan gently but firmly nudged him towards the door. "I'm sorry, but you have to leave. Could you take care of Becky for me?"
"Uh, yeah, sure."
She opened the door for him and he joined his wife, who had been waiting in the hallway. Joanne looked understandably surprised to see her husband emerge from the room with a baby, but she immediately smiled, cooing and reaching out to the girl.
John and Lily came racing down the hall. As Susan continued to hold the door open, Lily swept past her into the room. John slowed down and locked eyes with her before entering. He frowned slightly as they walked in together. "Is she a DNR?"
"Yeah. How did you know?"
"You seem too calm."
Although she was rather impressed by his observational skills, she didn't comment. Lily took a moment to glance over the monitors, her expression sad. "You sure you don't need me?" she asked.
"It's okay, Lily," Susan replied. "Thanks anyway."
Once they were alone, John put his arm around her, giving her shoulder a squeeze. "You okay?"
"I'm fine." She allowed herself a small sigh. "She was too young."
"I can help you with the final checks," he offered.
"No, it's okay. I want to do it."
She felt obligated to do it. After shutting off the monitors, the room fell silent. Carefully noting the absence of any signs of life, she finally called the time of death.
"Not too much longer 'til midnight," John observed.
In fact, there was just under an hour left until the new year. It had been a long, tiring night. A sudden thought occurred to her. "You don't have to keep waiting for me, Carter. We can do something another night."
"Yeah, we could, but it wouldn't be the same. Would you stop trying to push me away, please? I'm here because I want to be with you tonight. And you're still here because you didn't want to abandon your patient. I understand that."
Despite her stubborn, independent nature, his reassurances made her glow with warmth. It was a good feeling and one she wanted to hang onto. "Sorry for nearly taking your head off earlier. With Kerry, I mean," she apologized.
"It's okay."
"She just...well, you know she rubs me the wrong way. She always has."
He smiled. "I know. She definitely has her moments. What are you going to do now?"
"Call child services. Then I'll talk to them." She nodded towards the couple just outside the door, noticing that Joanne was now holding the baby. The woman was all smiles.
"So who's the guy?" John inquired.
"I'll tell you later."
Danny questioned her in a hushed tone as soon as she came out of the room. "Is she dead?"
"I'll catch up with you later," John murmured.
Susan focused her energies once more. "Yes. Respiratory and cardiac arrest."
"But..." He spoke haltingly, as if choosing his words carefully. "I was watching through the window and...you didn't try to get her back."
"She had a DNR order--do not resuscitate."
"Oh. I see."
"What happens now to the baby?" Joanne asked.
"I'm going to call child services. Then I need to talk to you again." She showed them to an empty exam room. "Could you wait in here for me? I won't be long."
"We want to talk to you too," Danny added, his voice sounding strangely anxious.
As Susan headed towards the phone at the admit desk, she wondered what that meant.
***************
She stood motionless by the exam room window, watching the scene inside. The distinct thunk of a cane to her left told her that Kerry had decided to make a stop.
"I've heard what's going on," Kerry stated. "Do you really think he's the father?"
Susan kept her gaze straight ahead, watching Joanne bounce the baby in her lap. Becky was chortling with delight. "Maria believed it. And Danny admitted it's possible. But the best evidence we have so far is the baby's hair. Can you see the spot just above her left ear? There's a tiny patch of white hair."
Kerry narrowed her eyes, her gaze intent through the glass. "Yes, I think I can. Why?"
"Almost all the women in Danny's family have that streak of white above the ear. His mother, his grandmother..." she trailed off, thinking of what had transpired.
After the phone call, Susan had returned to the exam room. Before she could even break the news to Danny about his possible fatherhood, he had started questioning her about the fate of the baby. He had explained that Joanne had been trying to get pregnant for a year without success. Now, they were hoping to adopt Becky.
This unexpected outcome had certainly made Susan's task much easier. She'd told them Maria's side of the story, including the fact that she'd wanted Danny to take care of Becky. While he had initially expressed disbelief that he could be the father, he'd finally conceded the possibility. Then Joanne had taken off Becky's cap and found the little patch of white. The look on Danny's face had been priceless. He now truly believed that he was the biological father.
He was talking to the child services worker now, but his gaze shifted to Susan through the glass. Getting to his feet, he came into the hall and grabbed her hand, pumping it up and down. "I never even thanked you, Dr. Lewis. If you hadn't called me down here, I never would have known about my daughter. Thank you so much."
"You're welcome." She managed to smile, even though she was afraid her hand was going to separate from her wrist in his over-exuberant handshake.
"I hope I didn't get you into trouble." He gave Kerry a meaningful look.
Kerry's smile was obviously strained. "Not at all."
"Good. Thanks again."
After he went back inside, Susan turned to leave.
"Hold on," Kerry said.
Thinking it best to heed the order this time, Susan obliged. "I want you to know, Susan, that even though things seemed to have worked out for the best this time, you were just lucky. You never should have called Mr. Gabbana the way you did. It was misrepresentation of this hospital."
"What--"
"Let me finish." Kerry waited, as if to be sure she wouldn't be interrupted again. "It was wrong and you crossed the line. Having said that, I know you thought you were looking out for your patient's best interests. The fact that you're still here," She broke off to check her watch. "almost three hours after your shift, tells me how dedicated you are. You just need to think more before you act."
Susan kept her hands in the safety of her lab coat pockets, silently chanting, 'don't strangle her, don't strangle her'. "Are you finished?" she asked tightly.
"Yeah, I am."
Spinning on her heel, she began striding away.
"Susan--"
"What!" Turning once more in disbelief, she glared at Kerry.
"Look, I know we've never seen eye to eye on things but I just realized it's almost midnight. The start of a new year. Maybe we'll never be friends, but I don't want to always be butting heads with you either. What do you think about starting the year with a clean slate?"
For the first time in a long time, Kerry surprised her. She couldn't imagine the old Kerry from five years ago saying this. "Yeah, sure," she agreed cautiously. "A clean slate."
But Susan couldn't help wondering how long it would take before that slate was marred with endless chalk dust again.
***************
John entered the darkened lounge and immediately saw Susan curled up on the end of sofa.
"There you are. Everyone's out by the admit desk," he informed her. He almost turned on the lights, but realized she must want it dark for a reason. Even with the door closed, he could hear people shouting 'happy new year' and blowing horns. He had been at the admit desk with most of the staff, watching the countdown on TV. After a few hugs, he'd gone searching for Susan, disappointed that they'd missed sharing the moment together.
He sat down by her feet, his eyes slowly adjusting to the dim light provided by the window above. She averted her face slightly, swiping at one eye.
"It's been a long time since a patient made me cry," she admitted, her voice more hoarse than usual.
"It just happened to me this morning," John said. "Five year old kid kicked me in the shin. Hurt like a bugger."
His dry statement made her laugh, which was the effect he'd been hoping for. "Is it because of the baby?" he asked. While it was important to maintain the professional distance, sometimes one couldn't help but be affected by a patient's plight. It was something he understood only too well.
"I don't know. Maybe. I did think about Susie a little bit. When Chloe disappeared and I had Susie to myself, that was the happiest I've ever been. You know, I've never told this to anyone, but I even started to imagine some reasons for why Chloe would never come back. I really thought that maybe she'd died somewhere of an overdose. I still feel guilty about that sometimes."
John rubbed her knee in a comforting way. "You shouldn't. You didn't actually wish her dead. You just thought something might have happened to her. And she was pretty wild back then. That wouldn't have been far-fetched at all."
"You should see Chloe now, though. She's such a great mother. I'm really proud of her." She smiled sheepishly. "Well, here I am going on about me. I'm so sorry about tonight. This must be the worst new year's eve you've had."
"Believe me, I've had worse," he assured her. "This hasn't been so bad, really." He leaned towards her, noticing that her eyes looked more luminous than usual; a combination of recent tears and the reflecting light from the window. "Happy new year, Susan."
"Happy new year, John."
As their lips met, he closed his eyes, concentrating on the taste and feel of her mouth against his. So sweet. So soft. He felt her lips parting, inviting him in, and his pulse went up a notch.
"Why is it so dark in here?"
John instinctively jumped back. By the time the lights came on, he was sitting up straight on the sofa, blinking rapidly against the brightness.
Kerry cleared her throat. "Am I interrupting something?"
"No, we're just--"
"Just talking," Susan finished for him.
Why were they acting like a couple of embarrassed school kids? "Actually, we were just kissing," he stated matter-of-factly.
"Oh?" One of Kerry's eyebrows arched upwards but other than that, she showed no real surprise.
"Yeah, we've been seeing each other."
"Well, I'm just going to grab a cup of coffee and get out of your way then."
True to her word, she left them alone within thirty seconds. Susan shifted on the seat, sitting up straighter. "What made you say that?" she asked.
He shrugged. "Why not? They might as well know." As she snuggled more closely to his side, tucking her head against his shoulder, he wrapped an arm around her.
"She thinks I was wrong, you know," she said, her voice low.
Her statement confused him. "Who?"
"Kerry. She says I'm just lucky with how things turned out. Apparently, I misrepresented the hospital."
John had already thought about what he would have done in Susan's position. While it was always difficult to speculate--after all, you wouldn't truly know until you were actually in the situation--he felt he would have done the same thing. "Since when do you care what Kerry thinks?" he asked.
That made her chuckle. "I don't. And if I had the chance, I would do it all again." Her jaws expanded into a wide yawn. "I don't think I'm up for anything tonight," she murmured.
"Did you take the El in today?"
"Mmm hmm."
"I'll drive you home."
***************
As they walked down the hall, loud music and laughter could be heard from surrounding apartments. It was just forty minutes past midnight, so parties were still going in full swing.
She lived at the far end of the hall. At the door, she turned to face John. "Thanks for walking me up."
"Sure." As he stood there, he felt the eerie sense of deja vu. He knew this wasn't the same building that Susan had lived in years ago, but they had been in a similar situation then. He still remembered with such clarity, the disappointment he'd felt when she had turned away his kiss. He'd understood the reason, but the rejection had still hurt.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing. Just remembering something."
"The night you tried to kiss me outside my apartment?"
Her perceptiveness surprised him. "Yeah, how did you guess?"
"I was thinking the same thing. You were so cute that night. Believe me, it took all my will power to resist you."
He chuckled softly. "Well, that at least helps my ego." Thinking this was his last chance, he reached into his pocket. The small box had been burning a hole, first in his lab coat, as he'd waited for the perfect opportunity to give it to her at the hospital. When that hadn't happened, he'd slipped it into his coat as they were leaving the lounge. He withdrew it now and held it out. "This is for you."
She glanced down at it, seeming confused. "I thought Christmas was over."
"I know. But all I gave you was a boring sweater."
"Hey, I happen to like that sweater," she declared, with mock indignation. "What is it?"
"Would you just open it? Please?"
He watched her carefully as she took the box and opened the lid. Her reaction was quite subdued and he wasn't sure if she liked it or not. He'd never seen Susan wear much jewellery but when she did, she seemed to prefer simple and elegant designs. This silver ring had a wide band, but it wasn't solid. It had a filigree design all the way around and seemed to flow with intricate curves. "I wanted to buy you something else besides the sweater but I couldn't find anything. Then, a few days ago, Gamma sent me to an antique store to pick something up for her and I saw this ring. It reminded me of you. Delicate but strong. And beautiful."
She slid it onto her middle finger and looked up. When she spoke, her tone was soft. "I don't know what to say."
"Don't you like it?"
"Oh, I do," she insisted. "I'm just not too good with words when I'm overwhelmed. It's...it's perfect. Too perfect. Thank you, Carter." Throwing her arms around him, she gave him a hug.
He held her tightly, loving the feel of her in his arms. Time seemed to stop in the embrace until she tilted her head back and placed both hands on either side of his face, drawing his head down to her level. She pressed her mouth against his and this time, there was no Kerry Weaver to interrupt them. Teasing her lips with his tongue, he wordlessly asked her to let him in and she obliged, opening her mouth to him. The heat igniting between them was incredible and he could feel his growing desire rising in a slow burn.
When they simultaneously parted for air, they stared at each other in wonder. By far, that had been the best damn kiss they had shared. In fact, they both seemed speechless. "Maybe, uh, I better go," he stammered.
"Go? Are you crazy? You're not going anywhere," Susan growled playfully.
He could hardly believe his ears. "Are you sure?"
She grabbed his scarf and gave it a tug. "I will personally make you very sorry if you run away on me now. Come with me, Dr. Carter." After unlocking the door, she led him inside. He didn't even try to hide the grin on his face as he shut the door behind him with one foot.
Completed January 2002
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