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At The End Of The Day |
Chapter 1 |
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm becoming really upset with TPTB over how they are portraying Kerry. She used to be my favourite female character but lately, her behaviour is really pushing the limits. I can't stand how the writers portrayed her in "Never Say Never", so this short fic is my attempt to rectify the situation. Mind you, I also tried to keep it realistic to her character so it's not all sweetness either.
A mild throbbing was beating a steady rhythm in her temples, and the blaring music combined with overly loud voices were beginning to grind on her nerves. Why had she even come here?
Kerry Weaver finally realized that the bartender was waiting for a response from her. "What?" she asked vaguely, her voice barely audible above the noisy crowd.
The energetic woman pointed to her empty glass. "I said, you want another one?"
"Yes." She replied without thinking, as if working on automatic pilot. She paid for her second drink of the evening, leaving a generous tip.
Her mind began drifting again as she thought about all that had happened today. Hell, not just today; the past year. It seemed like every day she was fighting someone over something. Why did everything have to be such a struggle? She was so sick of it all.
Besides her escalating headache, a different sort of gnawing was eating away at her insides, slowly and persistently. It was such a familiar feeling, it was almost becoming second nature to her. Guilt. Sometimes, even with the best of intentions in mind, it still came down to guilt. She had wronged a lot of people in her lifetime, some with good cause and others not so justified. Most times, she was able to brush away the weight of the guilt and carry on but lately, the effort was starting to wear her down.
God, she wished Kim was here. Above all else, she missed the friendship. She had never made friends easily and it seemed she had managed to drive away the few she had. In one way or another, she had betrayed them all. Just like she'd betrayed Jing-Mei today. But she didn't want to think about that.
Starting to grow restless, her gaze shifted to others in the room. She wondered how many people in this bar would be spending the night with someone they had just met. Could she ever do something like that? Would she even want to? All she had to look forward to this evening was a research paper she'd been putting off writing.
With a sigh of annoyance, she realized she'd left all her notes in her locker. Apparently, running into Malucci in the lounge had distracted her more than she'd thought. She really should have said something to him. She wasn't sorry for firing him. Although he had overall good doctoring skills, he'd been a constant thorn in her side. She couldn't tolerate his blatant disrespect for her authority any longer. But, she admitted, she should have handled his termination in a less public and berating way. It had been on the tip of her tongue to apologize to him for her lack of professionalism, but she'd bitten her tongue instead and let him slip away. That was her only regret.
She eyed her drink with temptation. It was bought and paid for but if she was smart, she'd keep her head clear in order to make some real progress on her paper tonight.
Slipping out of her seat, she left the drink on the counter, untouched.
***************
Fresh tears threatened the back of her eyes but Jing-Mei Chen blinked them back, steeling herself. She refused to shed any more tears over this. Her work here was over and done and she never wanted to look back.
She had never kept much personal stuff in her locker, so there hadn't been much to clean out. She had tucked a few items into her large purse and the rest, she had tossed into the wastebasket. Her lab coat, ID badge, and stethoscope had already been turned in. So that was it. She'd said goodbye to a few people, but her intention was to escape quietly. The only person she could bear speaking to right now was John.
Hearing the lounge door open, she pasted a neutral smile on her face and turned around. Coming face-to-face with Kerry, her expression immediately turned to ice. Averting her gaze, she strode past the older woman, careful not to brush against her. Striding down the hall, she resisted the urge to take in her surroundings for the last time.
"Jing-Mei!"
She ignored the abrasive voice calling out to her and quickened her steps.
"Jing-Mei, wait!"
When she felt the hand on her arm, she frowned, jerking her arm to shake off the unwelcome contact.
"I want to talk to you," Kerry said.
Jing-Mei glared at her. "I have nothing to say to you."
"This won't take long, I promise." Kerry looked around, as if aware that their conversation was attracting attention. She lowered her voice. "Please, don't leave just yet. I need to speak with you."
Angry and somewhat confused by her behaviour, Jing-Mei hesitated, unsure of what to do. Part of her wanted to walk away and leave Kerry standing there, looking foolish, but the other part of her was genuinely curious. What could she possibly have to speak to her about now? Hoping she wouldn't regret this, she gave a curt nod of her head and followed the other woman to an empty exam room.
Keeping her face impassive, she waited with an impatient air. She couldn't remember ever seeing Kerry look so uncomfortable or unsure of herself and when she finally spoke, it was in a halting manner. "I wanted to tell you that I...I'm not proud of what I did today. I'm not quite sure why I did it."
"You know exactly why," Jing-Mei interrupted, her voice harsh. "To save your own ass." She wanted to see Kerry squirm but surprisingly, felt only a mild sense of satisfaction in her former supervisor's discomfiture.
"I can't deny there's some truth to that," Kerry admitted, breaking eye contact to briefly look down at the floor. "What can I say to change your mind? I don't want you to resign."
Jing-Mei didn't bother hiding her disbelief. She wondered what the underlying ulterior motive was for surely, Kerry couldn't be speaking out of the goodness of her heart. "You really expect me to believe that? After what you did to me? You must think I'm really stupid."
"Of course I don't think that," Kerry stated quietly. "You're an excellent doctor but you made an error in judgement. It happens to everyone. I...I'm partly to blame because you couldn't reach me at Doc Magoos. I should have admitted that in the meeting."
"But you didn't. Besides, it's too late. You've already offered my job to John." She saw Kerry's eyes widen with surprise. "Yeah, I already know. John told me and I'm happy for him."
"But did you know that he would turn down the position if it meant that you would stay?" Kerry persisted.
She nodded, remembering the warm feelings of comfort and friendship that they had shared on the roof. "He told me that too. Supposing I did withdraw my resignation and remained as Chief Resident. What would you say to John?" She asked the question, only because she was curious how Kerry would handle that delicate situation.
She knew how badly John had always wanted the position. How like Kerry it would be to offer it to him and then yank it away in the next breath.
Apparently she had already thought about it, since she replied without hesitation. "I would tell him that we had this discussion and that you changed your mind about resigning. Yes, he would be disappointed, but I think he'd be happier that you're staying. And so would I."
Jing-Mei contemplated Kerry's face, trying to gauge the level of her sincerity. She must have remained silent for almost a minute, weighing both the pros and cons, before reaching a decision. "I don't understand you at all, Dr. Weaver, but then again, I don't think anyone does. The bottom line is, I don't trust you anymore. If I stayed here, I would always be wondering when you're going to turn on me again. Besides, I'm never going to live down the guide-wire incident. Maybe I shouldn't have been so surprised that it was thrown in my face after all these years, but it *did* surprise me. I never should have come back to County. It was a mistake."
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
Although Jing-Mei couldn't quite place it, something about the way Kerry spoke or perhaps her body language, hinted that she was partially relieved by her decision. Feeling irked, she snapped, "Why do I get the feeling you knew I wouldn't withdraw my resignation? Be happy. Now you can sleep with a clear conscience."
At her words, Kerry seemed to flinch slightly. Jing-Mei strode to the door with every intention of leaving things at that, but she found she couldn't do it. Turning once more, she faced Kerry with a somber expression. "Look, for what it's worth, I'm glad we had this talk. I've always admired and respected you, and I'm sorry if I've disappointed you."
When Kerry spoke, there was nothing but sadness remaining in her voice. "You haven't, Jing-Mei. I'm only sorry that I've been a disappointment to you. Good luck."
With a final nod, Jing-Mei left the room.
***************
John Carter felt very odd. While he was a bundle of nervous excitement over becoming the new Chief Resident, his jubilation was overshadowed by Jing-Mei's circumstances. It was a contradiction that left him feeling strangely unsettled.
He'd been leaning against the wall next to the ambulance bay doors, but straightened up as Jing-Mei marched towards him. Her head was down and she barely looked at him. "Ready?" he asked.
"Yeah, let's go," she mumbled, walking past him.
Not expecting to move so quickly, he had to jog a bit to catch up to her fast pace. Crossing the street, she kept moving, silent all the while. "I thought we were going to Doc's," he said, when they had passed the brightly lit diner.
"Not there. Let's just keep walking."
"Where to?"
"I don't know. We'll find something."
And so they continued down the street. Sensing that she wasn't ready to talk about what was bothering her, he remained quiet. After a few more minutes, he spoke up again, hoping not to sound too out of breath. "We need a destination, Deb. We can't just walk in circles."
"Fine, we'll go to the next El station. I don't feel up to dinner anymore." She finally glanced in his direction, looking apologetic.
"That's okay. Want to tell me what's..."
"No," she cut in abruptly.
Raising his eyebrows slightly, he decided to back off. They made the rest of the trip in silence and climbed the stairs to reach the El platform. It seemed a little more windy up here, adding a bite of chill to the night air. As Jing-Mei scooted over on the bench, closer to his side for added warmth, he placed an arm around her shoulder. "I ran into Weaver in the lounge," she stated suddenly.
"Oh yeah? Did she say anything?"
"She said a lot of things. Asked if I would reconsider my resignation."
That took him by surprise. "And what did you say?" He tried to sound as casual as possible, but he suspected his feigned nonchalance wasn't fooling her one bit.
"I told her that I don't trust her. And that I never should have come back to County." Her lips curled in a humourless way. "Basically, I turned her down."
Once again, the unsettled feelings rushed forth, confusing him; a sense of relief intertwined with disappointment. "You could stay, you know," he said softly. "If Kerry is asking you to reconsider, maybe you should."
She shook her head. "No, it's over. You deserve it, more than I ever did. You've always belonged there. I never have."
"That's not true."
"It is true. Even when we were med students." Her mouth curved upwards again, but this time with genuine laughter that reflected in her eyes. "We had some good times, didn't we?"
He chuckled. "Drove each other crazy, you mean."
"That too." Gradually, her smile faded and she became serious again. "Maybe I shouldn't have come back to County, but I'm glad I did. You've been a good friend, John. You've been there for me when no one else has. I'll never forget that."
Blinking rapidly, she averted her face, but not before he caught the glitter of moisture in her eyes. "Hey, I thought you were done with crying," he said gently.
"Who's crying," she muttered, with a final sniffle.
Silence reigned once more as he kept his arm around her. Together, they waited for the train that would take them home.
Completed October 2001
Feedback always appreciated!
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